Dissed

Lili:

Since I made the decision to ignore you I have spent a
lengthy amount of time thinking about what I am doing
and who I am doing it to…I incessantly ask myself:

Have I been completely rude to Lyon? Yes.
Does Lyon scare me? Yes.
Does Lyon (or the idea of you) annoy me? Yes.
Does Lyon deserve this type of treatment? No.
Do any of my actions or feelings have anything to do
with Lyon? No

I don’t know how to explain this in a way for you to
understand or to even care because I seem pretty
pathetic on my end, but I will do my best…and at the
very least you will have a restored faith in people
which I never had any intention or even thought I had
the power of destroying.

You at this very minute make guy number 13 of the
mental list I have made of guys who have crossed the
line between friendship and making me feel
uncomfortable by even showing a slight interest in me.
I have spent the better half of the last 2 years
thinking that it was humanly possible for a guy and a
girl to be friends…nothing more and nothing
less…but in the last 2 years I have been proven
wrong 13 times. Some would say that I am naive, and up
until recently I would have disagreed with everyone
who said that…but now you being lucky number 13 I do
not.

I do not want boys to like me…plain and simple. I do
not want a relationship, all I want is a friend or a
couple of friends. Perhaps a friendship could have
developed in the long run between us, but I was not
willing to stick around and find out. I have gotten
burned in a bad way by trying to do this and I do not
ever want to be put in a similar position. You may be
thinking that I cannot let one guys behavior speak for
the rest, to which I would reply I have given the
benefit of the doubt to more than one person.

I am assuming that by now you are confused and
thinking that I have no idea what I am talking
about…and as I write I realize that I cannot even
begin to organize my thoughts well enough to explain
my situation in a way that gets you to
understand….not that I expect you to care at this
point.

I really am writing to apologize to you for having
upset you in such a big way. Out of 13 you are the
only one to call me on being such a bitch….so thank
you…and I really mean it. If such a situation were
to arise again I will seriously think twice about the
way that I handle the situation.

The truth be told, it doesn’t matter how forward you
were…in time you would have gotten the same reaction
from me. I am at a really awkward point in my life
completely confused about who I want to be, where I
want to be and who I want to be with…you just so
happened to be an innocent bystander of the insanity
of my current situation. I did begin to get freaked
out and annoyed by the frequency of your calls and
text messages and sudden visit all leading up to my
getting scared and deciding to end any relationship at
all. I know it doesn’t help and it sounds a bit cliche
but it really isn’t you it is me…I have some issues
from the past that I am still working through and I
don’t think I am anywhere near ready to involve
someone else.

So, that is everything and nothing of what I
wanted/needed to tell you. I am sorry that it may not
make sense, I don’t expect you to understand
especially since I am not sure that I understand me.
I’m sorry that I may have led you to believe that I
wanted anything besides a friendship, and I am sorry
that I have to some extent hurt you. You really are a
great person and if I wasn’t so quick to get
uncomfortable with new guys we could have quite
possibly made good friends…as we do have similar
interests…Maybe we could have been the exception to
the rule, but I have to figure some shit out and don’t
think it fair that I bring you along.

Thank you for not letting my ridiculous behavior slip
through the cracks of bad behavior that gets excused.
I hope that everything goes well for you in the
future…should I decide to stay in the city I’m sure
that I will see you around either in the neighborhood
or at school.

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