Dating your friends; a recipe for disaster

Lyon Keating:

Yeah, things always get better with time.  I’ve been through situations like these before where I’ve at least learned that.  Every day I wake up and become more okay with saying, “whatever” about the whole situation.  It just sucks because my whole group of friends is involved and it is just lame to know that people are choosing sides, judging others, and generally just knowing everything that is happening.  It really sucked the last time this happened with Lisa and it was an utter disaster and although Jacki is a lot more chill than Lisa it still is soooo annoying.  I’m also embarrassed that I’m putting people in this situation again and done this to myself again.  I have great friends but maybe I need to step back from the dramas of it all and learn to keep dating and friends seperate in the future.  I’m inclined to just withdrawl from the social scene where I feel there will be energy I just don’t want to deal with, and as my life is about to take some serious changes I figure it might be appropriate for me to just pull back and do my own thing and no be so consumed by the expectations, dramas, and social cliques that have constantly always been around me.

I think the whole situation reached it’s peak in weirdness, which is good.  Before Jacki and I broke up, that chick Mandy and I were suppose to hang out and and talk about our trips, what was going on, etc, etc.  That was originally the reason I was drawn to her, among other things and I just wanted to be around someone who was like minded and had more things in common with, doing the same thing, etc.  There is no way that two months before I left I wanted to jump from one girlfriend to the next and then be in the same exact situation as before.  The day before we were suppose to hang out she called me and asked what was up with Jacki and I.  I told her we broke up and she felt so bad about it.  I explained it had way more to do with things in our own relationship than this one incident that she was involved in, but it still didn’t sit well with her.  She explained that she was starting to get attitude and bad vibes from some of those girls that are her and Jacki’s friends (which is totally stupid because this was ALL Jacki’s fault) and wasn’t sure if she felt comfortalbe hanging out, but still really wanted to.  So I said okay and that I didn’t want any drama and that nobody had to know we hung out but yeah it would be cool if we could connect and learn from each other about our trips and whatever.  Needlesstosay, the next day I got a text from her right around when we were suppose to hang out saying she got called in to work and couldn’t hang out and then said some awkward thing like “have a good one” or something like that.  I texted back that it was cool and the last thing I wanted to do was put someone in an awkward position so it’s all cool and let me know if you want to hang out as the ball has been placed in your court.

For a second I was disgruntled about this because one I was pissed that she was getting shit from my friends about what happened when it wasn’t her fault, and two, can’t people just hang out?  She can hang out with me when I have a girlfriend but not when I’ve just broken up?  She has always been open with me and I know that she likes me as we have a lot of things in common and are just on much the same wavelength but maybe she’s afraid that she doesn’t want to pursue hanging out with someone that she might like more and thus create friction and more drama in her social life, or maybe she just thinks I’m a creep jumping from girl to girl, which dissapoints me to think that people might think that about me.  Either way, it doesn’t matter and the fact that more drama came from this actually turned me off a bit to hanging out with her.  The time just isn’t right for this kind of thing right now and everything is so complicated with all the weird, same social group incestual relationships that surround my social group here.  Anyway, I understand where she is coming from and I might actually be weary and act the same way if I was in her shoes so whatever.

Other than that, things are pretty good.  Jacki’s and I’s paths do not really cross all too much as our paths and interests are not really aligned so that has been cool.  However, there are some large events coming up that involve many of our friends that she is going to be at that I would normally go to but am not sure if I want to put forth the energy for it right now.  It will probably be cool but ya know?  I’ll probably piss a lot of my friends off if I don’t go but that’s actually another reason why I don’t want to go.  I know they mean well and just want my presence there but I’ve always been super sensitive to people forcing their expectations on me and right now I’m super sensitive to anyone wanting me or giving me shit about doing anything.  That’s reason enough for me to abandon doing something.  I’m tired of being manipulated, although I know that it’s probably more extreme in my mind right now than it actually is, but I’m just in search of manipulative and expectation free relationships right now and only want to be around those that don’t incite these feelings in me.

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