Transitionosis moving east

Lyon Keating:

Side note: Just realized that 8 years ago today I arrived in London for my study abroad program.  8 years ago!  Holy Shit!  My oh my how the time flies.  What have I been doing since then?  I remember I was pretty fresh off a devastating breakup with Natalie Portman.  I simply went to London to get out of town and that I had nothing better to do.  However, as time has gone by I’ve had more moments where I’ve felt I’ve had nothing better to do than actually doing something that really seemed worth doing.  Granted I’ve traveled a lot and experienced many different cultures and places and people that have really led me to have an unique world view which I wouldn’t ever go back and not experience again, but it seems like something has just been missing.  I’ve had to charge forth and experience just for the sake of wanting to experience and what if I didn’t do that?  Would I have just been in mildy meaningful relationships with certain people, done odd jobs that didn’t really reflect who I was, sat on the couch more, played more sports, smoked more pot, not seen the world as an opportunity so much as just somewhere that you are for a bit.  Maybe my friends who watch a lot of tv and smoke pot know something about the world that I don’t.

Patience is a must.  After playing baseball for most of my life and enjoying it and being good at it, would I think that ten years would have passed, as thirty is right around the corner, and I would still not be able to find a job or something in my life that I could keep or was worth doing?  The experiences I had going to Asia and Latin America were priceless because it gave me a sense of how lucky I am to be simply living in the lovely, opportunity filled land of the U.S.  I’m not starving or living in my own shit but perhaps if I was I wouldn’t have aspired to as much and would be a bit more content.  Really, that is a stupid thing to say because I would never take in a million years to be starving or living in shit.  Problems are relative to who and where you are and my problems can’t really be even mentioned in the same sentence as someone who is starving.

I suppose this is the age and time in a young persons life where they get a bit older and realize that the world isn’t really an opportunity to be had.  You can work hard and put yourself in a position for better things to happen to you and I will ALWAYS take that road but it’s a little disheartening after a period of ones life to not know the path to take and/or where one path is leading vs. the other.  I guess that is just the excitement and stress and anxiety that life is filled with.  It goes through waves where sometimes it is good and ones where it is bad.  We all make it through doing different things that reflect the different times and eras that we are apart of.

What am I really doing?  I’m going back to school, something I’ve always hated, in order to do something that can bring me happiness and fulfillment.  Teaching is fun and I’ve had a great time with it when I’ve been given the opportunity to teach something I’ve liked (it even was okay when I didn’t like the subject so much).  I’m a people person and like interacting with others.  I don’t want to spend too much time at a desk, indoors, and dealing with bullshit bureaucracy.  Teaching can be very much filled with these things and sometimes I think I’m just heading deeper into a profession that just simply won’t pay off.  Will I always never be able to get a job in teaching?  Is the only person whom I can rely on myself when it comes to feeling the consistency of fulfilled?  What would I do if I quit the grad school program?  I have no idea.  I guess I can keep pursuing teaching in any area that I live.  Would I dive deeper into the realm of airbandb?  I could potentially make $2000 a month by operating an airbandb place in SF.  That is an enormous amount of money to get for doing nothing for and could be a very helpful amount while I figure out what the hell else I’m doing but is that really something I want to do?  How else could I sustain myself and work for only myself? I could sell pot?  Not exactly something that I want to dedicate my whole life too and really it’s more of a hassle but I suppose I could do it if I needed to.  What, oh what, could I must up and do?

I’m sure getting an MA in history would only help me in the long run and perhaps I should keep doing it.  I don’t want to do airbandb my whole life and I don’t really want to sell pot my whole life either.  I would love to work for myself but really I sort of do and the only thing in my life that I have right now that’s leading me to a more reliable fulfilled existence is pursuing education and the history MA.  Years keep going by and why not keep on plugging away at a plan that could lead to a better, more meaningful future?  Just imagine if I got a job after I received my MA?  That would be a wonderful feeling and it’s something I’m going to have to get anyway to be taken seriously in the future as everyone will need to get an MA at some point….so…why not keep chugging away at it.  What else am I doing besides making money for doing extremely easy things?  Getting an MA will get me into the door to do something in education that will be fulfilling.  Maybe I can pursue an organizational career as well once I get my foot in the door?  Everything takes fucking time god damnit!

As for Natalie, well 8 years ago I was heartbroken about her and now I must be again.  We just got into a fight about me wanting my independence vs. her wanting to hang out with me.  The funny thing is that I love having her around.  She is nice, sweet, intelligent (smarter than me!), accommodating, rugged, organized, not lazy, positive, passionate, healthy, a sex goddess, damn fine looking, and other than being a little square and anxietal sometimes a general overall joy to be around.  I don’t have a lot going for me here and I’m wondering what the hell I’m doing in my personal life and personal goals and whatever and it’s hard for me to rely so much on one person.  I love her and don’t see how I can love anyone else more and I want her around.  I want to be alone too and feel like my life is progressing as an individual but realize that I’m much more happy with her than I am when I am taking a stance alone and progressing as an individual.  I will never stop progressing as an individual but Natalie is an added bonus to my life and I like having her around.  Why am I so afraid of keeping things balanced when in fact I wouldn’t mind if Natalie were around me more than not?  It would be good for her to be around me and why wouldn’t I invite her?  I hope to invite her way more to things and at least see how it goes rather than judging the situation before I experience anything with her.  I suppose I am just afraid at diving too hard into her because I would feel like I would for some reason be denying what makes me me.  I don’t have friends here and I feel that I need to meet friends on my own time vs. them getting to know me and my girlfriend as one entity.  Why do I feel weird about that?  Is it that most couples I meet that are like that seem pathetic and lame to me and too dependent on each other that it’s annoying?  I am with Natalie and we are one entity in some very extreme positive ways.  I don’t feel like we are that lame couple.  Why wouldn’t I let it all come about and flourish as it is happening rather than put limits and restrict it?  If I ever feel that I want to spend time with her not around I could always just tell her that I need this or that and I’m sure it would work out fine.

Journaling has a way of making sense of things….

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