The first adult relationship

Lyon Keating:

I seem to only write in my journal only when bad things are happening in my life but that’s okay.  I don’t see the point in telling yourself how well your doing when things are going well.  It has been a pretty long stretch for me since my last journal entry.  About a little over two years and tonight Lisa and I broke up.  August 18th, 2005 is when we went camping and randomly hooked up in the tent.  Wow, what a night that was.  I remember I was so into Lisa at that time.  It was such a weird feeling because we had been friends for about a year but then in the summer I realized how much I really liked her.  I was confused by this but I went for it and it turned out wonderful.  We both really liked each other, spent lots of time together, had great sex, and had the same friends.  It was a feeling many have during the first months of a relationship, but for some reason I felt that it was different.  Lisa was not like other girls.  She liked to drink lots of beer, smoke pot, and have the best possible time she could have no matter the situation.  I liked her free spirit and how we just seemed to click with each other.  After the many other relationships I’ve had in my life I felt that Lisa would turn out to be the best companion I’ve ever had!  There was just something about her that made me believe we could do anything together.

Things were great for a long time and even thought I can’t remember exactly when we got in our first fight I think it was sometime during Christmas vacation of 2005, 2006.  Lisa was away for a week or so and I was at her house on a very drunk night.  I happened to walk in to her room to two people having sex on her bed and I thought it was funny.  I know that is not something that people necessarily want to hear but when I mentioned it in passing to Lisa she freaked out and got incredibly mad at me.  This was the first time I witnessed Lisa do something immature and her angry rant made me feel as if this might be a problem in the future.  In the back of my mind I had a fear that if this type of behavior persisted or repeated itself it might lead to many problems.

However, time passed and things were still very good and we were even planning a summer trip together to visit all the baseball parks in the mid-west.  What a girlfriend!  Someone, who would actually go on vacation with me to see ballparks, I couldn’t have picked a better one.  Before we left, though, we would still get in atrociously nasty fights, and this mystified me.  I couldn’t understand how or why she would get so angry.  Why would she treat her boyfriend like this?  I would never subject my girlfriend to angry tirades.  Regardless of these occurrences, we would always talk it out and I would plead with her to not do this to me again.

So Baseball trip comes and goes and then it is the beginning of the end.  Conrad and Lisa have an extreme falling out and we all have a very frustrating time finding places to live when we come back from the trip.  Finally, I find a place and Lisa uses my apartment as her base camp as she continues to look for an apartment.  Well, months pass and now it is November and Lisa is still using my apartment as a base camp.  It has been a touchy subject because it seems as if everything else in her life is falling apart at the moment.  Her family treats her like shit and wants nothing to do with her, her job doesn’t pay her and ends up firing her, she currently is suing them for the money that they owe her, she finds good leads for places to live and other jobs but they never work out, and these are just side notes.  Most importantly, she is becoming bored with her life and is becoming extremely unhappy that she doesn’t know what to do that will make her happy.  So you can see that bringing up issues that we have or telling her that it is starting to get awkward with having her live at my house with Ryan is not something that I feel totally comfortable with bringing up given the other things going on with Lisa.  Because of all these factors, our relationship takes a dive.  We have way less personal space from each other and fight a lot more.  I am thinking that if she just found a place or maybe got a job she would feel more stable and our relationship would improve but now we are on month four and these things are not anywhere in sight.

Last night everything came crashing down.  Lisa was pent up from the very first moment I talked to her about bringing ice to the Thanksgiving party.  During the party she was very upset at me for various things but most upset because I had told her that she needed to make sure that she divided up her nightly stays between my house and Patrick’s during the week.  She did not like this and proceeded to be angry with me for the whole night.  The next day came and over a drink at the blackthorn I told her that I felt that we needed to split up.  There are many details involved in this situation but the overall decision was something that I felt was best for Lisa in her life.

Who knows if I made the right decision but it is what felt best to me.  There were many things involved in this that led me to my decision but I believe that Lisa is at a point in her life where she needs to start making decisions for herself.  She is not happy and she is especially not happy in San Francisco nor being with me.  The outbursts have continued and they have made me feel down in the dumps.  I have gotten to a point where I can’t handle them anymore and I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who subjects their significant other to such treatment.  We have different views as to how people should treat each other and when Lisa gets in her angry moods I can’t handle it anymore.  It scared me the first time it happened and it scares me now that I am involved with someone who does that.  Lisa needs to figure out things in her life and realize that external scenarios should not lead her being bitter to her boyfriend that she loves.  Life is too short to behave in this manner to the people you love, and I could not take it anymore and had to end things.

Despite our relationship ending I still love Lisa.  She has so many characteristics of someone that I want to be with but it seems to come at a nasty price.  Her main complaint of me was that I did not share my emotional feelings with her enough and I believe this to be true.  Her angry outbursts happened in such a cyclical fashion that whenever I would start to really feel loving feelings toward her she would shatter them by having one of these outbursts.  I never could get to a comfortable point with her where I could trust her with my feelings because she would get too confrontational and because of this I was always hesitant to really go to the next level with her.  Other than this there were other factors that led to our demise.  Lisa has been an excessive user of drugs her whole life and seems to be still addicted to them.  She isn’t addicted in the sense where she roams the streets in search of them, but in the sense where she seems to not feel comfortable unless she is stimulated by some stimulant.  She is an emotional girl as it is but when she excessively uses pot or alcohol she experiences irrational behavior.  These drugs often cause Lisa to become easily irritable or annoyed by the simplest of things.  I noticed this when we were doing the fast and she could not drink alcohol or smoke pot for about 15 days.  During this time she was a very pleasant person to be around.  Little things that would normally set her off didn’t and I was happy to think that maybe this would prove to Lisa the affects drugs have on her.  There was even a time after the fast when she smoked pot for the first time and then recognized that she was becoming irritable towards me for something very stupid, and I thought that things were finally moving in the right direction.  I guess I could go on forever for the reasons that Lisa and I broke up but I know that I love her and there were definitely things I did that she didn’t like as well.  It just goes to show that our values were different and we expected each other to treat one another a certain way, which we couldn’t do.  Lisa had a vision of what she wanted me to be and I couldn’t give her that.  I wanted her to act a certain way towards me but she couldn’t give me that either.  Obviously, there was nothing written in the stars that said we were going to be together forever, but I had a good feeling about Lisa.  In the beginning and at various times throughout our relationship she was fun, happy, and living life as if she was fortunate to be alive.  By the end, life had caught up to her and made her bitter at the luck she was having, angry at her boyfriend, and unhappy because she couldn’t find something to make her feel meaningful in life.  I miss the old Lisa that was so happy-go-lucky and I always told Lisa that she should let that side shine all the time.  I yearn for that Lisa to return and that was the Lisa I fell in love with.  In the end, though, our values seemed to not match up and it dramatically affected our relationship.  Lisa became unhappy and when you’re not happy and content with yourself there is no way you can be happy and content with another person, or even expect them to appreciate you when you have negative energy.  Even though I am very sad at the outcome of my relationship with Lisa I can’t help but feel filled with hope that this will make Lisa into a stronger person.  She needs to find out something in her life and that is what makes her happy, and by focusing on herself and not having to worry about me I feel Lisa can figure out the game of her life and find happiness.  Even though Lisa might not think I show it properly I love her and hope that she can figure things out.  I know that there is something inside of her that is unique and I love and want to be a part of it for the rest of my life but she needs to find it.  And if she ever does I would only hope that I again can be fortunate enough to be the lucky man who she showers her love over.

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