And the rebound

Lyon Keating:

Quite some time since I last wrote in my journal but I believe that I always say that.  It’s probably been 2 or 3 years and I am not going to re-cap those years but dive into my thoughts and feelings at this point in time.  Ya know the saying it was the worse of times, it was the best of times?  Well, I feel like I am experiencing this right now in my life.  By no means are things shitty but Lisa and I broke up on Thanksgiving and it has been the weirdest experience of my life.  She didn’t take the break up well and has unleashed hell on me ever since.  Every time that I see her there is this ultra crazy tenseness that can be cut with a knife.  She doesn’t want to be within 10 feet of me and every time I try to talk to her she rolls her eyes, says something very quick and on the point of rude and then walks away.  Most times she drinks too much, or maybe not, and then ends up yelling “fuck you” or “I hate you” to me.  This is so disheartening and crude because not only is she going ballistic and behaving like a fucking irrational bitch, she is also bringing in our whole group of friends.  Everyone she is around is forced into the situation and she is trying to make people take sides in the matter.  Fortunately, people have seen through her lies and realize that I am not the devil reincarnated, but it is still hard to deal with.  It is awful to see someone who can potentially be the most wonderful person in the world be a raving, angry, manipulative individual.  Oh well, time will only tell at this point.  Plus, this summer we have tentatively planned a road trip to the south that includes Patrick, Conrad, and probably Lisa.  Lisa is going to try and have Patrick side with her and not go with us this summer is my prediction.  I guess that is too far off in the future to think about.  I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

On the other hand I have met this completely wonderful person named Mary in my teaching credential program.  The downside is that she has a boyfriend, whom she is cheating on with me, and she is 31 while I am 24.  She is physically very attractive and I am so attracted to her.  Plus, she is a teacher which makes me desire her so much because I know that we are involved in the same line of work.  And it’s not only that we are involved in the same “work” but we both view life in the same manner and have therefore committed to being teachers.  It’s not only a job but a way of life that I admire and respect so much about her being a teacher like me.  Part of the reason why I want to become a teacher is because it will be a convenient job for when I want to raise a family and Marry has expressed the same similar yearning.  Maybe it’s because my other family members are having children but this is the first time I have thought about this sort of thing and been attracted to someone because of their family values.  I can’t stop thinking about Mary and  yes I have allowed myself to like her way too much.  She left for Brazil for the month and I know she is somewhere enjoying herself and although she says she is thinking about me I can’t help but feel insecure that she has forgotten about me and won’t want to be with me when she returns.  Not that I want to be with her, but it is just really hard for me to ignore these feelings that I have for her, I don’t know if I am being stupid for feeling the way that I’m feeling.  She’s 31 and going to want to start a family in the next couple of years.  Do I want that?  Lately, since I have been around my family I have re-learned the value to me and longing that I have to create a family in my life.  I definitely do want to have a family someday but the question is if I want to be in my mid-twenties when this happens or my early or mid-thirties.  Would either one of those times be too early or too late.  I know that things don’t always happen the way you want them to in one’s life or in the order you want them to but is this something that I should pass up?  Mary seems to be a blessing in disguise.  I guess that is another bridge I can pass when I come to it.  My worry at the moment is that I will be let down when Mary comes back because she won’t be into me anymore, and it will make me sad.  I get sad just thinking about it, and I get sad thinking that she won’t go with what she wants and just stay with her boyfriend whom she has expressed extreme discontent for.  Not that he seems like a bad guy from Mary’s descriptions but just that he doesn’t seem like somebody whom Mary is happy with, and it pains me to see people do things knowing that it makes them unhappy to be doing them.  Mary is such a sensitive, wonderful, funny, sarcastic, loving woman and I guess that I am afraid that someone such as she will not be into me.  I know that I have felt this way towards someone before but it was such a different situation that it’s hard to draw comparisons.  I feel like I love her, for whatever love is, and I am scared that I am saying that.  I guess I am feeling a little out of control and that is what’s making me uncomfortable in my own skin.  Either way this situation pans out I feel that I won’t be totally content about where it will take me.  If Mary comes back and is uninterested in me I’ll feel sad and really want to be with her, and will have to sit through the rest of the credential program seeing her and thinking how I want to be with her.  If she comes back and is into me but still doesn’t break up with her boyfriend then I will feel insecure and jealous of the situation.  If she comes back, breaks up with her boyfriend and is totally in to me then I will love every minute of it but will also feel pressure that she is nearing a point in her life where she is going to have much different wants than what I want, or will I?  So, you can see my nervousness and unsettled feelings towards this situation.  I don’t want to get my hopes up in terms of being let down, although they are already up, I don’t want to dive in head first with her either in the fear that I might not be the person she is looking for right now.  Everything is so hard, yet is also very romantic at the same time.  To have this foreign love that is not settling within me in any way is something I’ve never had before.  Overall, I really do like Mary and when I really like someone I want them to like me back so I guess I am secretly wishing that she does when she returns.  If nothing else maybe I am that person in her life that forces her out of a situation that she doesn’t like being in.  Maybe we aren’t meant to be together in the long run, but then again maybe we are.  Just like anything else, time will only tell…..Life is really an adventure and I’m happy that it is exciting in this manner.  No matter what happens, everything tends to work itself out and I will become a better person because of my experiences.

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