A Conversation with Death

6 06 2017

Who are you?  When do you come?  Why do you exist?  What would it be like to know you?  Talking to you is confusing, especially because I don’t know who you are, or what I’m talking to.  I know who you are but I don’t know anything about you.  It is intriguing.  It is unfair.  Would you be a friend?  Would you be boring?  Would you be just like me?  Would you just use me?  Would you be more of the same?  It makes one think of the saying, “doing a deal with the devil.”  Is death really the devil?  Is your appeal all in the mystery and allure and the supposed way we’ll get manipulated by giving into controlling death?  Why do some people choose you?  What are they choosing?  Is it really looked upon as a failure if death is chosen?  Are we losers for thinking such thoughts?  Nobody decides when death is to come except those few that actually commit?  Is it a power trip over one’s life?  Is it a sad desperation?  Is it a celebration?  There are some things meant to not be controlled or found out in life.  Death and the purpose of life have the joy of not having to answer to anyone.  Does life and death have life and death, or is the void just the void and that’s that?

 

Flying over my handlebars and tumbling with my motorcycle onto the highway, the feeling of death was a high frequency vibration penetrating through me.  Would the drunk driver who rear ended me continue to drive me over or would the parallel cars zipping by on the three-lane highway do me in?  As my body intimately encountered the pavement and my helmet felt the skid, my body braced for a car to continue the onslaught, as if I could just flex my abs and take a car riding over me.  The feeling of stepping on a bug came to mind.  Why have I squished bugs in my life?  How must they have felt that out of nowhere this presence ended their current existence?  If I got similarly squished would anyone care or would it be just like squishing a bug?  Do other bugs notice when the ones they know get squished?  I know that people would undoubtedly care if I got squished and died but would it change much?  People would be sad for a while but then life would go on as normal and they would continue squishing bugs and not think about it.  Not that the world is all centered around me or a single bug but when one encounters death, and life is then thought about as not mattering, it can be an extremely empowering feeling or an extremely crippling one.  Nobody would ultimately care if I had died.  Would the vast blackness and nothingness take over upon going over to death?  If that’s what inevitably happens does it make sense to live life to the fullest or not care at all?  Or is not caring at all, living life to the fullest?  Extremes aside, it’s probably a balance of acceptance of the two but that doesn’t change the intrigue of thinking about ultimately what’s worth it and what’s not.

 

Scraping myself off the pavement, a rage and terror was within me.  If I had a gun I would have killed that drunk mother fucker who ran me over.  Being somebody who has had his fair share of being “high” as they call it, I was as high as I’ve ever been and I now REALLY know how people kill one another in crimes of passion.  It is not nice to know that getting into such a passionate situation with the appropriate tools handy would land me in jail for the rest of my life.  The terror that came about in me emerged from a vision of a past face while I was encountering the pavement and the possibility of dying.  I was within a few different worlds.  The vision was of a man’s face that had jumped off a building I lived at in the mission district of San Francisco.  He slit his wrists in his first-floor apartment, bloodied his way up the three flights of stairs, and jumped off the roof committing suicide.  I was on the sidewalk below and heard him scream as he flew to the ground.  I looked over and saw the very end of his initial impact and then a total adrenaline surge as he instantly picked up his mangled body, looked at me, and then blood spurted out of his forehead as he collapsed.  I was the last person he looked at.  His gaze was one of loneliness and I see his face in dreams now and then, during moments of loneliness, and near death experiences like that with the motorcycle.

 

I can’t even remember his name but I think it was Steve.  I cleaned up his blood in the hallways because no one else would as we had a landlord who didn’t care about his building, and most other people will just step over such things as blood and go about their day.  I have kept the scrubber ever since as at different times I physically have not been able to throw it away.  There is a connection I feel with Steve.  I have tried to admire him over the years as a way of finding acceptance and a reason in myself for why he did what he did, but I feel that has in a way brought me closer to his world; his death world that he chose to go into.  His last lonely gaze makes me feel like he just wanted a connection and a friend.  I don’t like that I think about him when I do.  I try to avoid him.  I don’t really try to communicate with him but by thinking about him, and him penetrating into me in vulnerable moments, I feel like he insecurely wants me to join him.  I have never had suicide or death tendencies in my life before Steve.  Now I do whether it is brought on by moments of depression or moments of curiosity.  As years have passed and I’ve learned to navigate different portals of energy and different realms of existence his influence has grown.  Not in a corrupt way but just in a casual way.  Just in a way where somebody’s presences gradually grows.  You hang out with people and think about them and very slowly they become a part of you.  I give a lot to people and experiences and harbor a deep sense of connection that can often overwhelm me and leave me depleted.  I have a hard time saying no and a hard time withholding my energy from others.  I have a hard time not being intrigued and acting in ways I deem “helpful” in what I see happening in people.  I have a hard time moving on from energy and not allowing the energy of others to completely penetrate me.  I have a hard time not taking on people’s plights.

 

Steve is not of this physical world anymore and many walls have been built up by me to keep him out.  His influence has possibly made me a less open person and less receiving of others.  I can’t see him but I can feel him and it unknowingly has taken a lot of energy to keep him out and inevitably he is of another mysterious world and has learned to keep at it to influence me more.  I chose to now have a conversation with him to see what he wants and how we can find peace and how he can let me go.

 

RYAN:

Steve, I know you are there?  I feel powerless in this relationship with you?

 

STEVE:

You looked me in the eyes before I died.  You were the last person I met.  We shared one of the most intimate moments of my life.  I don’t feel lonely with you.

 

RYAN:

So are you just going to haunt me forever?  When I’m weak?  When I encounter death?  You’re slowly winning and I don’t give consent to this kind of relationship.  I don’t want to carry you with me forever.

 

STEVE:

I will always be with you Ryan and I’m upset you haven’t acknowledged me.  It is not a haunting but rather just a connection.  This is our first conversation and it’s been over seven years?  How do you think I feel?  We shared an intimate moment together and I see similarities in me that I see in you as I’ve been with you over these years.

 

RYAN:

Well fuck man!  You see similarities in me so that means you just loom around gazing into me at opportune moments?  How does that work?  It gets tiring to confront.  It comes across as selfish and like you’re just some scary ghost that’s influencing me.  I don’t want to make the same decisions as you.  I don’t want to join you on your quest.  Why are forcing me to do this?

 

STEVE:

I’m not forcing you to do anything.  I’m simply just witnessing your own pain with loneliness and self-worth and wanting to be seen and am hoping to lead you to a better place.  I couldn’t ever come to peace with those things.  Death is so much better.  I’m not in pain anymore.  I can’t be seen or unseen or feel like I’m disappointing or not worthy with my life compared to others.  It’s just my mind.  It’s so easy to be content.  I can be nowhere and anywhere at the same time.  There is nothing to accomplish or fail at.  I can’t commit suicide anymore.  I achieved success and I follow you around to give you spiritual guidance into a possibility in life.

 

RYAN:

You couldn’t have made those changes while you were living in your physical body?  What in your physical body was keeping you from feeling this way in your mental one?  What makes you think I want your guidance?  I don’t want to be influenced to be dead.  It will come for me but why would I hurry up to get there when I will inevitably get there someday anyway?  And death is better to you so what makes you think it will be better for me?

 

STEVE:

If you were with me, you would know.  The physical body is a hurdle to enlightenment.  It blocks us all too easily in achieving inner peace.  Our senses can lead us astray and now the only sense I have is my mind and it is so peaceful to not have a physical body.  I know you can relate as this kind of pain is inside of you.  I know how you judge yourself, pity yourself, talk to yourself.  You put a lot of pressure on yourself.  The relationships you have overwhelm you and mostly are not reciprocated back to you, or at least not in a way you accept.  You used to think of yourself as standing out as an individual who got recognized but certain glories have passed and now if you died nobody besides your family and friends would care for but a little bit.  Is that really worth it?  Why not take on something bigger?  Consider death as an evolutionary step.

 

RYAN:

I don’t know if it’s worth it but I need to be able to make this decision for myself.  I feel like you’re raping me with this.  Instead of date rape this is death rape!

 

STEVE:

You want me around Ryan even though you say it’s rape.  You give consent to the action and thought process but then get upset by the potential realities of it.  It’s your rebel against authority that is making you say such things in this moment, or the fact that you might share this with your writing sites and that you need to not freak people out or look good.  I am not an authority you need to stand against.  I’m just a pathway presenting itself.  Don’t let your sense of image in front of others cloud your judgement for when you are alone which is where you want to be most of the time.  There is a comfortableness and glow you get from being alone.  Most people only care about their own lives and it’s depleting for you to encounter.  Your anger at an ego led world brings you to such conversations in your head and with me about my lifestyle.  You get bored no matter what you do and ultimately this creates failure in you.  You want to feel like you’re contributing or leading to something so bad but in a world that only judges such successes and failures in a very specific way it is hard to compete with.  The vile competitor in you is exhausted.  Where I’m at there is no such thing as boredom or failure or competition or control.  Things just are what they are and we are just the experience of our own minds and spiritual navigations.  It is quite a rich and empowering existence.

 

RYAN:

It’s not that I grow tired of most people or that I’m bored, it’s just that I expect my life to be awesome and led by freedom and choice and meaning.  It can easily get relative and then what we used to aspire for, we grow normalized with and then we want more, or just something new.  “What am I not experiencing and how can it be better” is often on my mind.  I often have a hard time with ambivalence and wondering about the next thing, but that is a driving force within me, and I guess I’ve just learned to accept that for who I am.  I’d like to think that I’m more than just a competitor who is driven by corrupt authority.  I have learned new ways to deal with this aura within me.  Sportsball competition was mostly what I was raised with and I’m learning to channel that energy into other things.  I made a declaration to achieve this years ago leaving professional sports.  It is hard to live in a world that so easily puts people into boxes and I continually try to disconnect from it, or hopefully learn to weave in and out of it without it harming or judging me.  It does seep in deep at times, though.  You can’t help but compare yourself to commercials or succumb to people yelling at you to be better or people yelling at you with their ego or the whole world coming at you in a way where their existence is tied to controlling you into their own little whims and desires.  You are right Steve, it is EXHAUSTING and it’s easy to get bored with human endeavors overall and their supposed meaning.

 

STEVE:

Your driving force has led you closer to me.  You are not happy with the person that you are or else you wouldn’t be talking to me.  You wouldn’t be wondering and thinking about me so much cause you know that I represented a way out of all of that.  And that’s what you’ve admired over the year.

 

RYAN:

I tried to admire you cause I didn’t know how else to process your suicide.  You jumped off a roof and almost landed on me.  I couldn’t help but think you were a selfish ass for doing what you did.  Choosing admiration was the only thing that made sense and not being able to process it with you or with anyone else has made it heavy for me over the years.  The weight of your decision and unhappiness has made me feel curious about your way out.

 

STEVE:

You have an infatuation with that you almost died.  There is a part of you that wishes you did just to experience it, just to wonder about the mystery of what I undertook.  You admire people who do bold, eccentric, confident moves with their life and who really stand up with who they are.  You don’t think I was confident when I jumped?

 

RYAN:

I think you were scared and needing to end some momentary pain you were feeling.  I feel you and I are not really that different.  We both feel how we feel and you decided to make another decision in a certain moment.  I think emotions can pass and we can get to a different place if we can be patient.  Yes, I admire that you did something about it but I don’t admire it at the same time.  We are all symbolically falling off that roof that you jumped off and it’s painful and people judge us, we judge ourselves, and we hurt others, and others hurt us, but that doesn’t mean that ying doesn’t need yang or vice versa.  There are parts of us that come out in moments and life is overall painful.  You look stupid most of the time, especially if you decide to engage.  You copped out of that.  I love you for making the decision you had to make but it’s not the end all be all and you’re no more right about being alive or dead than what anybody else believes on the matter.

 

STEVE:
It’s funny to argue with someone still in the physical world.  There is no arguing where I’m at.  It just is and everyone knows it.  When will you figure out that you’re wasting your time?

 

RYAN:

How do you know Steve that you’re not wasting your time still?  How do you know that you’ve reached perfection?  Oh what, cause you’re somewhere where nobody argues anymore?  Isn’t there still death in some form where you’re at?  Don’t you think you’ll still experience pain and loneliness on some level?  You’ll just be whatever you are forever now and that’s just that.  Doesn’t that seem a bit boring as well?

 

STEVE:

Ha!  Pain and loneliness.  Not exactly, but perhaps there is another form of life awaiting me somewhere after this.  I am still an infant with only being here for 8 years.  I just find it hard that you wouldn’t want to join me?  We shared such an intimate moment.

 

RYAN:

Steve, well apparently, there is still loathing and friendship and ego where you’re at.  I am not saying I don’t want to join you but I don’t want to join you in your current manifestation yet.  What can I do to make you give me a break and not haunt me with your influence?  You’re just making me more unhappy in my current existence all trying to get me to join you and all, and you’re right, I won’t go along with what I perceive to be corrupt authority ever and that will never make me join you.  If you’re going to be around in your eternity life where there is no death or whatever then won’t I join you at some point anyway?

 

STEVE:

Fair enough, Ryan.  Well how about you just don’t ignore me in your current life.  When you don’t acknowledge what we shared together or that we are similar in our thoughts and lifestyles and connections then it makes me feel like you are unhappy and selling yourself short.  I’m only around within you because you think such things and have a lot in you that I had, and of course, I am going to try and offer you a way out.  What are spirit friends for anyway?

 

RYAN:

Ha!  We are friends now are we?!  Just kidding, yes, I promise to not ignore you or ignore our experiences together.  Just don’t freak me out when I’m already freaking out, like when I’m flying through the air and scraping on the pavement from a motorcycle accident.

 

STEVE:

Yes!  I almost got you on that one!

 

RYAN:

Har har!  I suppose so but I don’t want to see your blood squirting forehead face anymore in my dreams or trying to convince me of ways to improve my life.  Let me live my life.  Let me live my life in a way where even if there’s blackness and nothingness at the end of it I still choose to be a positive minded Nilist.  I want to be in control of my own life (or at least given the impression that I’m in control).  I want to stand up for myself and I want to control what I have control over.  I don’t want to live in lonely fear.  I don’t want to be thinking of a way out.  I don’t want to be stuck in normalized cultural trances of acceptance and sense of worth and judgment.  I need to engage and confront things in honest, authentic, and more calm than not ways.  I need to face my life and know that I’m living it and trying the best I can with the energy and motivation that I have and that’s good enough.

 

STEVE:

Well if you really want to think like that then you don’t have to ask me to be gone, I will just be gone but I will come back to say hello and please say hello back.  Don’t be afraid of my presence.  Walk with me.

 

RYAN:

Yes, Steve, I will.  I love you and ultimately love everything about this communication.  Now go and give me some slack for a bit and make up for lost time.

 

STEVE:

I love you too Ryan.  We all make decisions in our many lives and there really is no way to tell which is right or not, or if that really means anything.  We think we know based on what other people’s perceptions and judgements are but it has much more to do with other things than that.  Don’t get stuck on silly details of perception or attachments or social norm achievements.  That’s what will make you feel like you are worthless and alone in the end.  More will always be demanded of you and the revolving cycle of not feeling good enough will keep showing up at your door if you entertain such societal demands and expectations.  Every person is much greater than that and it’s okay for everyone to go through their own process.  Oh and also minimize facebook and staring at screens all the time.  That’s an easy one nobody does.  Be in your present moment most of the time.

 

RYAN:

Haha, okay Steve.  Thank you so much for this and thank you for the influence you’ve had in my life.  Good bye for now.

 

STEVE:

Good bye Ryan.  Take care of yourself and give the apartment a hello for me when you ever walk past it.

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